I feel knocked up side the head every time I read the news about what Dubya and his gang of flying monkeys is up to. Here is the brain matter that splats out the other side from the blunt force trauma.

Friday, May 12, 2006

NSA Expresses Concerns Over Pattern of Calls to Domino's Pizza

As part of the warrantless surveillance program, the NSA has been mining data on the number of calls to Domino’s by some demographic populations. The calls are concentrated in mostly liberal cities that are known as college towns.

Conservative commentators, putting the pieces together, are calling for investigations. They believe that such a high concentration of calls could indicate that the liberal 18-22 year old demographic is supporting terrorist causes.

Rush Limbaugh, the conservative talk-show host, chimed in on the issue on his show yesterday. “Have you ever called a Domino’s? You know,” he said, “I’ve been calling them for years, sometimes twice in one day, and I’ve yet to speak with one American.”

Limbaugh continued, “The NSA says a lot of these calls are going out just before midnight straight from college campuses. Let’s see if we can make a connection here. Liberals calling foreigners at astonishingly high rates at odd hours? You do the math, folks.”

The NSA said its data mining project has turned up high-value information in the fight against terror, but it was very concerned about the data missing from the area dominated by Qwest, which refused to hand over the phone records.

An NSA spokesman said, “Qwest, headquartered in Denver, CO, is the carrier for the University of Colorado at Boulder. CU Boulder is known for its party atmosphere and occasional rioting after football games. We can only assume the pattern of late night calls to Domino’s is present there, but we don’t know who is doing it. To be without this data about calling patterns there is cause for grave national security concern.”

“We know they hire males of Middle East descent,” the spokesman continued, “and we’re concerned that the transactions they do, which are usually all in cash and sometimes involve tips of up to two dollars, may be going to fund terrorists. This money is untraceable”

Another NSA official, speaking to us on the condition of anonymity, said, “We called a Domino’s in Boulder, trying to get the information any way we could. There was a guy named Muhammad answering the phone. We asked for call recordings, but he insisted on getting our delivery phone number first, and we had to abort the operation.”

President Bush, speaking in the Rose Garden, said, “Just this one patternistic finding justifies the whole program, and I think the American people realize that we’re doing everything in our power to protect them from the evil-doers—no matter where they’re hiding.”

11 Comments:

Blogger Burnie said...

welcome to Amerika-or w's version of it. If you speak Farsi or any other middle eastern language we want to listen to you. we love the mellifluous tones of your voice-can't get enough of it.

10:14 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! I've taken the wrong pill.
This is a joke, right? Please tell me this is a troll - they cannot be serious.

10:22 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you have to ask, you need a serious sense of humor transplant. Jeez...

10:27 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Greg,

For chrissakes man, go take the right pill...

10:42 AM

 
Blogger A. Rivera said...

Oh my goodness, this is so good. I almost peed my pants laughing because I can really see Rush calling for his pizza a few times a day. Of course the calls happen a little before midnight. You have to make sure you get in before the place stops delivering. Transactions mostly in cash, huh? Who knew? Oh, this is just too funny, if it weren't so reflective of the reality.

BTW, I got here via Crooks and Liars.

Best, and keep on blogging.

10:50 AM

 
Blogger Brian said...

Greg, Your reaction was probably similar to mine. It's too funny to be true, but given the clowns running the executive branch, this very well could be true.

11:34 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Given the political and religious bent of Dominoes (as in Dominion) Pizza, this story is a true classic. Thank you for bringing this bit of sunshine to a dreary cold MN day. I will continue to avoid Dominoes Pizza like the plague and feel proud about doing my part to stop terrorists from destroying this great nation. Hmmm, shall it be Carbone's or Grampa Tony's tonight? or Savoy!? yes!

12:11 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Convo between two college students:

(ring)
"What's up Carl?"
"Not much dude. Just watching some 24. That show is the [BOMB]."
"Hell yea it is. Jack Bauer is awesome."
"Hell yea, but I dunno, lately I kind of disagree with the way they use [TORTURE] all the time. Like that one episode where the [SECRETARY OF STATE] [TORTURES] his own son in that [PRISON CELL]. Like it's no big deal."
"That was screwed up. Oh well, the show is still badass. Jack Bauer vs. those a-hole [TERRORISTS]. Doesn't matter how many [PLANS] they have [TO] [ATTACK], he's there to defeat them and save the day."
"Yea that's true. So you going out with Cindy tonight?"
"Nah, we broke up."
"Oh well, come out with us. We'll get you laid."
"Yea right. That's you, always chasing the [BUSH]."
"And proud of it. So you wanna come?"
"Sure, why not."
"Cool. We'll pick you up around [8:00] by the [GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE], since you're right there on Riverside and it's easier for me to come that way."
"Alright cool. See you then bro. [PEACE]."
"[PEACE]."
(click)

NSA Flags:

[BOMB]
[TORTURE]
[SECRETARY OF STATE]
[TORTURE]
[PRISON CELL]
[TERRORISTS]
[PLANS]
[TO]
[ATTACK]
[BUSH]
[8:00]
[GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE]
[PEACE]
[PEACE]

Welcome to The New American Century.

2:38 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every phone call I will be making to or from America from now on I will make a point of leaving a special greeting for the NSA. Something along the lines of "Grim justice is coming for you treasonous criminal bastards, there will be nowhere you can hide and no mercy given."

I'll be damned if I am going to accept being terrorised by the likes of those pox-ridden thug vermin without giving them one hell of a fight.

And that goes for the Stasi, the Gestapo, the NKVD, Mossad, the KGB or any other wannabe fascist gutter scum motherfuckers as well.

7:17 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

everytime you call someone, "insert" keywords like 'bomb', terrorist, etc... in the your conversation, so that the NSA computer will have extra work to do

8:07 PM

 
Blogger Madison said...

I saw this on the ABCnews story's comment thread. Good stuff, I laughed. Was a nice read in the middle of all that crap over there...

12:51 PM

 

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